Addicted to Food
I love to eat. I love to snack. I love to consume endless beverages. And thus, I am addicted to feeling gross about myself at the end of the day ...

Gotsta be healthier both physically and mentally, damn it.  :-X

Next Weekend
Not going to lie. I'm a little nervous. Just a little.

Next weekend, I'm going with Steffan to the yearly Hindu weekend thingy/festival. I went last time and it was pretty calm and relaxing ... friendly people and good food.

This will be the first time I'll see Steffan's mom since I sent her that letter, asking her not to shit talk behind my back anymore (I said it much more politely then that, though) and she knows we're back together, which she probably wasn't too happy about.  As far as I know, she hasn't said anything about me, which is good ... but it also seems that I don't exist to her either. Which is fine. I'll take that.

I figure she can't be down right rude to me, since she's surrounded by people she maintains a good persona for. She'll probably just ignore me. Same ol' Same ol'.

I'll be nice and polite. I have no reason not to be. :-)

Audrey Looking Up
Screw that. I'm not remotely in favor of getting/seeing strippers for my bachelorette party, when/if I decide to get married in many, many years.  I'll think of something more creative, fun, and loving ... that way, I can have a fond memory of it ...

(just saying ... ) :-P Okay. I'm done.

My Rant about Sociology & Life
Audrey Looking Up
Just finished watching "Kinsey", a biographical depiction of Alfred Kinsey and his work with sexual histories/experiences of a huge array of people (depicted in his books). It made me reflect on what I had heard about his flawed studies in psychology courses, and how it was depicted in the movie. Pretty interesting, nonetheless.

But, it made me think about the psychology of this and that. Which made me think of my major, now being Sociology. Similar, in various ways, if you think about it. I know Sociology isn't looked upon in nearly as great of a light as Psychology, though. I'm willing to accept being looked down upon for it, by some.

Steffan's dad made a few comments about my choice of major, that I know he probably didn't mean to sound so rude, but it hurt for about a minute. I told him I was majoring in Sociology, and he responded with a judgmental, "Why would you do that?" and proceeded with saying, "I knew guys on the sports team that needed an easy A to stay in their programs, so they took Sociology." He didn't think Sociology was something you could actually major in. He tried to soften the conversation by saying, "Well, if that's what you're interested in ... but you may change your mind once you get into it."

I understand his standpoint. No, you don't get a lot of money with Sociology. No, you probably won't be well recognized and well-respected with a degree in Sociology. It's not as prominent as Psychology. But ... I find it interesting. I like looking from a distance at groups and finding patterns, problems, solutions, whether it be with social dynamics or from a more business-oriented standpoint, etc etc etc. I like that it's an enormously broad topic, so that I'm not narrowed to a few career choices. Psychology is impacted. There's enough people interested in that department. I'm looking elsewhere.

I'm tired of narrow-minded/hurtful comments, where if they don't approve of it, it must be a terrible choice. I know Steffan's dad's intentions aren't bad, but I've heard from a couple people, that my major is useless. It's not useless to learn about the world around you. I refuse to think that.

Knowledge isn't useless. Just like in Little Miss Sunshine, "You do what you love, and fuck the rest."

Okay, I'm done. :-)

Aleah, You're Crazy.
Audrey Looking Up
Went to the doctor's this morning. Not terribly successful, but I did it.

The doctor and nurse kind of left me with the feeling that the way my body feels is mostly all psychosomatic. Which, I didn't rule out as a possibility. The only problem with it being psychosomatic, is wondering how I make it stop or at least, lessen?

Am I so addicted to food & eating, that my mind/body play tricks on me just to get me to eat? I won't go into the various ways I feel throughout the day, but it becomes bothersome. And well, stomach pains ... I can live with those. They didn't seem to have an explanation for my tingly sensations in the hands/face. The only thing(s) they seemed actually concerned with, about testing for, were for gallstones and vitamin deficiency. So, I'll wait for lab results and schedule another appointment in time.

I don't mind the pains/weirdness being in my head. I need to stop freaking out/stressing so much ... that's probably it. :nods:

I wish I was asleep.
Sleeping - Eternal Sunshine
I have to be at CSULB tomorrow by 8 am ... Bleh. I can't sleep. But, it could be worse.

I messed up my neck/shoulder at Knotts on Monday. I don't think I want to go on the ride, Boomerang, ever again. lol. I hurt myself every time. I knew I felt a snap on one of the sharp turns on the ride ... I get the feeling that's not a good thing, huh? :-P It hurts to move my neck in certain ways, as well as my right shoulder, so it keeps waking me up in the middle of the night. :-/ I took some pain pills, hoping that I'll be able to get back to sleep for at least another hour before waking up. I can handle stomach pains, since I experience them more frequently, but joint/muscle pain isn't something I'm used to ... so it sucks. But, it could be worse.

On a happier note, I had a great evening with Angie and Steffan. Had Italian cuisine with Angie, and then went bar-hopping with her & Steffan later on. Good times. Knotts was fun, overall. I had a lovely time and I'll post some pictures soon. Have something to do everyday till Tuesday ... so I'll try not to get too burnt out. :-P

Now, to try to go back to sleep ...

Bashing Myself, but Ending on a Light Note :-)
Sleeping - Eternal Sunshine
I'm not sleeping. It's almost 5:00 am, and I'm awake. I will try to fall asleep after this. Bleh.

I've been making a lot of negative comments towards myself lately. There are so many physical and emotional traits I keep nit-picking at. It's addicting to find faults. I dislike so many things, I can't help myself sometimes! :-P

What I need to do, is just be accepting of my own flaws. Goodness knows we've all got them, though it seems I'm more harsh about my own (which is only natural). Bleh.

Steffan tells me wonderful compliments and I can't help but think, "I sure wish I could see what you see."   He does make a difference though. I don't really doubt his words. I believe he believes those things, which makes me happy. It's my own perspective of myself that's screwy. I sometimes think I'm slowly improving as a person ... it's just a really slow process. And I'm not very patient with myself. Grrrr. But, I have to be.

On a happier note, I'm pretty content with how things have been going socially and whatnot. I'm thankful for the friends I've been surrounding myself with and for the frequent phone calls with my mom. And, I'm thankful for Steffan. We've been doing really well <3. Gotta be thankful, right?

Silly Kitty
Audrey Looking Up
I just had to share. :-P

Audrey Looking Up
Maybe it's because I'm sitting here, alone with my thoughts. Such circumstances provoke these kind of blogs.

But, I sure do wish I was more interesting.  I can't help but feel rather dull, compared to the people in my life.  I don't really understand what I bring to the table, sometimes. Oh well. These feelings come & go. Life goes on.

On another note, if you have the chance, go see "Moon".  Granted, it's not a movie for everyone probably, but I enjoyed it.  And Clint Mansell once again releases a beautiful soundtrack.

Audrey Looking Up
So, after having a minor mental meltdown for about 10 minutes today, due to uncertainty and concern for Steffan  and a realization of losing a friend (though, at least to a good cause) ... things became clear once again.  I sure am glad that things work out just the way they're supposed to.  Even in the crappiest moments, a sense of clarity can come by at the end and just make me glad to be where I'm at. 

I look at things, sometimes and just notice this long chain of irony ... and smirk.


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