Simply Aleah

Addicted to Food

2009-08-17T11:36:14Z

I love to eat. I love to snack. I love to consume endless beverages. And thus, I am addicted to feeling gross about myself at the end of the day ...

Gotsta be healthier both physically and mentally, damn it. :-X

Next Weekend

2009-08-17T00:13:59Z

Not going to lie. I'm a little nervous. Just a little.

Next weekend, I'm going with Steffan to the yearly Hindu weekend thingy/festival. I went last time and it was pretty calm and relaxing ... friendly people and good food.

This will be the first time I'll see Steffan's mom since I sent her that letter, asking her not to shit talk behind my back anymore (I said it much more politely then that, though) and she knows we're back together, which she probably wasn't too happy about. As far as I know, she hasn't said anything about me, which is good ... but it also seems that I don't exist to her either. Which is fine. I'll take that.

I figure she can't be down right rude to me, since she's surrounded by people she maintains a good persona for. She'll probably just ignore me. Same ol' Same ol'.

I'll be nice and polite. I have no reason not to be. :-)

Strippers

2009-08-04T11:39:16Z

Screw that. I'm not remotely in favor of getting/seeing strippers for my bachelorette party, when/if I decide to get married in many, many years. I'll think of something more creative, fun, and loving ... that way, I can have a fond memory of it ...

(just saying ... ) :-P Okay. I'm done.

My Rant about Sociology & Life

2009-07-29T11:15:28Z

Just finished watching "Kinsey", a biographical depiction of Alfred Kinsey and his work with sexual histories/experiences of a huge array of people (depicted in his books). It made me reflect on what I had heard about his flawed studies in psychology courses, and how it was depicted in the movie. Pretty interesting, nonetheless.

But, it made me think about the psychology of this and that. Which made me think of my major, now being Sociology. Similar, in various ways, if you think about it. I know Sociology isn't looked upon in nearly as great of a light as Psychology, though. I'm willing to accept being looked down upon for it, by some.

Steffan's dad made a few comments about my choice of major, that I know he probably didn't mean to sound so rude, but it hurt for about a minute. I told him I was majoring in Sociology, and he responded with a judgmental, "Why would you do that?" and proceeded with saying, "I knew guys on the sports team that needed an easy A to stay in their programs, so they took Sociology." He didn't think Sociology was something you could actually major in. He tried to soften the conversation by saying, "Well, if that's what you're interested in ... but you may change your mind once you get into it."

I understand his standpoint. No, you don't get a lot of money with Sociology. No, you probably won't be well recognized and well-respected with a degree in Sociology. It's not as prominent as Psychology. But ... I find it interesting. I like looking from a distance at groups and finding patterns, problems, solutions, whether it be with social dynamics or from a more business-oriented standpoint, etc etc etc. I like that it's an enormously broad topic, so that I'm not narrowed to a few career choices. Psychology is impacted. There's enough people interested in that department. I'm looking elsewhere.

I'm tired of narrow-minded/hurtful comments, where if they don't approve of it, it must be a terrible choice. I know Steffan's dad's intentions aren't bad, but I've heard from a couple people, that my major is useless. It's not useless to learn about the world around you. I refuse to think that.

Knowledge isn't useless. Just like in Little Miss Sunshine, "You do what you love, and fuck the rest."

Okay, I'm done. :-)

Aleah, You're Crazy.

2009-07-27T17:20:28Z

Went to the doctor's this morning. Not terribly successful, but I did it.

The doctor and nurse kind of left me with the feeling that the way my body feels is mostly all psychosomatic. Which, I didn't rule out as a possibility. The only problem with it being psychosomatic, is wondering how I make it stop or at least, lessen?

Am I so addicted to food & eating, that my mind/body play tricks on me just to get me to eat? I won't go into the various ways I feel throughout the day, but it becomes bothersome. And well, stomach pains ... I can live with those. They didn't seem to have an explanation for my tingly sensations in the hands/face. The only thing(s) they seemed actually concerned with, about testing for, were for gallstones and vitamin deficiency. So, I'll wait for lab results and schedule another appointment in time.

I don't mind the pains/weirdness being in my head. I need to stop freaking out/stressing so much ... that's probably it. :nods:

I wish I was asleep.

2009-07-22T11:55:13Z

I have to be at CSULB tomorrow by 8 am ... Bleh. I can't sleep. But, it could be worse.

I messed up my neck/shoulder at Knotts on Monday. I don't think I want to go on the ride, Boomerang, ever again. lol. I hurt myself every time. I knew I felt a snap on one of the sharp turns on the ride ... I get the feeling that's not a good thing, huh? :-P It hurts to move my neck in certain ways, as well as my right shoulder, so it keeps waking me up in the middle of the night. :-/ I took some pain pills, hoping that I'll be able to get back to sleep for at least another hour before waking up. I can handle stomach pains, since I experience them more frequently, but joint/muscle pain isn't something I'm used to ... so it sucks. But, it could be worse.

On a happier note, I had a great evening with Angie and Steffan. Had Italian cuisine with Angie, and then went bar-hopping with her & Steffan later on. Good times. Knotts was fun, overall. I had a lovely time and I'll post some pictures soon. Have something to do everyday till Tuesday ... so I'll try not to get too burnt out. :-P

Now, to try to go back to sleep ...

Bashing Myself, but Ending on a Light Note :-)

2009-07-14T12:02:03Z

I'm not sleeping. It's almost 5:00 am, and I'm awake. I will try to fall asleep after this. Bleh.

I've been making a lot of negative comments towards myself lately. There are so many physical and emotional traits I keep nit-picking at. It's addicting to find faults. I dislike so many things, I can't help myself sometimes! :-P

What I need to do, is just be accepting of my own flaws. Goodness knows we've all got them, though it seems I'm more harsh about my own (which is only natural). Bleh.

Steffan tells me wonderful compliments and I can't help but think, "I sure wish I could see what you see." He does make a difference though. I don't really doubt his words. I believe he believes those things, which makes me happy. It's my own perspective of myself that's screwy. I sometimes think I'm slowly improving as a person ... it's just a really slow process. And I'm not very patient with myself. Grrrr. But, I have to be.

On a happier note, I'm pretty content with how things have been going socially and whatnot. I'm thankful for the friends I've been surrounding myself with and for the frequent phone calls with my mom. And, I'm thankful for Steffan. We've been doing really well <3. Gotta be thankful, right?

Silly Kitty

2009-06-16T05:49:21Z

I just had to share. :-P

Dull

2009-06-16T04:41:00Z

Maybe it's because I'm sitting here, alone with my thoughts. Such circumstances provoke these kind of blogs.

But, I sure do wish I was more interesting. I can't help but feel rather dull, compared to the people in my life. I don't really understand what I bring to the table, sometimes. Oh well. These feelings come & go. Life goes on.

On another note, if you have the chance, go see "Moon". Granted, it's not a movie for everyone probably, but I enjoyed it. And Clint Mansell once again releases a beautiful soundtrack.

Irony

2009-06-14T11:26:17Z

So, after having a minor mental meltdown for about 10 minutes today, due to uncertainty and concern for Steffan and a realization of losing a friend (though, at least to a good cause) ... things became clear once again. I sure am glad that things work out just the way they're supposed to. Even in the crappiest moments, a sense of clarity can come by at the end and just make me glad to be where I'm at.

I look at things, sometimes and just notice this long chain of irony ... and smirk.

Movie Review Time with Aleah :-)

2009-06-10T10:11:35Z

So, Steffan & I have been watching movies relentlessly for the past couple weeks or so. I thought I'd very briefly go over a few of them, just cuz .... :-)

Today, I watched Angels & Demons with Tom Hanks. I actually enjoyed the movie more then I thought I would, though I heard if you read the book, you'll be disappointed (and I certainly did not read it). I thought it was interesting/entertaining, plus incompatibility of religion/science usually keeps me intrigued. And, I like Tom Hanks and his character.

I finally got around to watching the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, since Steffan really wanted me to see ALL of them (the extended versions) ... ended up having a marathon. I had my bias', but all of the movies were surprisingly entertaining. I had a lot of commentary, yelling things like, "Damn it, Frodo!" or "Sam, poor Sam", but they were pretty good.

We watched No Country for Old Men the other day. It was a bit strange and had a simplistic plot, but I liked the subtle dark humor (of the situation) that tied in between the main characters. Violent and random ... didn't particularly agree with the ending, but it fit.

Apocalypto was another movie watched in the week. I had a hard time watching it, since it was brutality followed by brutality. But, it's Mel Gibson ... so it's expected. It was pretty good though. I don't know if I'd care to see it more than once, but that's just me.

A movie I've been excited to sit down and watch was I Heart Huckabees. A movie for any philosophy major, though it spells things out (very obviously) quite a few times. It's still a really good, humorous movie. There were quite a few moments that made me smile.

Oh! And Steffan had me watch Akira not too long ago. It was ... interesting. :-P It was an entertaining anime, but it was a bit "out there"/far-fetched for my usual taste, I suppose. It's kind of a classic in the anime spectrum though (so I hear), and I can see why.

That is all, for now. Next movie on my list will probably be Steamboy.

Apathy + Art

2009-06-09T01:00:13Z

I'm sitting here with a beautiful camera next to me (Steffan's dad's camera) ... and I'm not taking photos.

Steffan had an idea for photos he wants taken of himself. I don't fully understand the concept he's going for, but agreed to do it, telling him he'd just have to tell me what to do each step of the way. It ended up not happening. I don't know. I have images in my head that I want to create, but it's not happening. And now I'm just apathetic. My creative outlets are diminishing, because of my attitude towards my own artwork.

I don't want to be a photographer or consider myself to be talented in that spectrum. But, I miss it wholeheartedly. I miss drawing & painting, but stopped because I was hardly ever happy with what I created. I wish I had a natural knack for something.

Awkward

2009-05-17T04:21:04Z

I've been happier, overall lately. Little adjustments to my life and a more nonchalant attitude help with that.

Still can't quite shake the feeling of awkwardness in certain social settings though ... and the moment I start feeling awkward, I shut down completely.

Le Sigh. Just gotta be happy with what I've got. :-P

Collected

2009-05-08T07:21:17Z

I'm not ecstatic or high on life. I don't feel blissful or really happy with everything. But, I'm okay right now. And I don't mind just being okay.

I watched a movie earlier with Steffan - "Burn After Reading". Very dark humor ... I really liked it. So, I'm glad I randomly decided to watch that today.

I've been continuing my reading my Fearlessness book by Pema Chodron. It helps me keep a more realistic/optimistic view on things. There are many good points that I'm underlining and keeping focus on.

This semester is coming to its end soon, which makes me mostly happy. I'll miss my philosophy class, honestly. Hearing others' ideas on different philosophies (especially Eastern ideas) keeps me intrigued about the world. I'll just keep reading over summer, to keep my mind going.

I'm analyzing myself more on friendships and how I'm connecting with people, becoming more aware of my social tendencies and whatnot. I've received an equal amount of criticism and pleasant compliments to juggle with, and learn from, as of lately. It's keeping me occupied.

I look forward to the NIN concert. I look forward to turning 21, just in general. Until then, I'll keep on truckin'.

I wonder ...

2009-05-06T09:43:17Z

how happy I really am sometimes. Or, if I am happy, with just moments of ultimate sadness. At least they balance each other out, it seems. I was remarkably happy for about 3 days, and now I've come down to a uneasy feeling again. Why does my mind tease me with confidence, only to pull it away when I start getting used to it?

Clearly, the mind is a separate entity that I have no control over, right? Mmmhmm.

I feel replaceable, despite what I keep hearing. I hate that feeling.

Tired

2009-04-29T07:16:20Z

I feel like my body wants to give in to being uber sick ... but I shall not let it. I've been keeping on tylenol/aspirin to keep the fever low/off. Hopefully after sleeping tonight, all should be a lil better. I'm uber tired.

I talked to my mom today. Turns out, she's going in for ultrasounds on her kidneys and bladder tomorrow. I guess her kidneys aren't functioning properly? Whatever the case, she barely turned 40, so she should be fine and it shouldn't be anything serious. I'll call her again soon to see how it's all going.

In the meantime, I took photos of my mom when I visited her this Spring Break. I'll only share a small few ...

Life

2009-04-25T08:26:50Z

... has been fine. I hit bumps, where life gets me down & I wonder, "Am I doomed? I sure feel doomed," and there are other moments, where I think, "maybe things will be fine, after all...". It goes back and forth.

I've been watching the Watchmen Motion Comics with Steffan (thanks to Leif for letting us borrow it). I'm enjoying it a lot.

Dr. Manhattan is still my fave :-P

I wish my heart felt more content at times ... especially late at night, when all I have is myself. It feels like it's softening from its usual rough exterior that it protects itself with. Even though it creates moments of longing & pain, I'm sure it'll end up doing more good then bad.

Goodnight folks (especially to those already asleep) ... look forward to seeing Rocky peeps again tonight. :-P

Friends

2009-04-16T03:47:24Z

I get the feeling that my friend count has decreased since the break up ... but it's only natural. I'm not very social anyway, huh?

So, I'm working on my straight-forwardness or assertiveness. That's the new thing to work on. One step at a time, one step at a time. :-)

Mom

2009-04-11T07:57:54Z

I really wish my mom was a tad bit more responsible. I'm not one of the most responsible people and everyone has their imperfections, but she really can't keep to plans ... evar. And, she's nonchalant about it, since it doesn't affect her personally. How frustrating.

On a brighter side to things, I got a second piercing in my ears today. Yay. :-)

Small Thought

2009-04-09T23:50:11Z

Happiness and Misery are always fleeting emotions, that come and go too often :-P

NIN

2009-04-09T16:57:50Z

If there was a secret to pulling myself out of my own madness/feeling of limited self-worth, it's two things:

1. I need to go out into the sunlight.
2. I need to be listening to NIN (or I suppose, empowering music, in general)

Both of these combined makes the world seem okay again.

Nights

2009-03-26T07:24:07Z

I can be fine and have a Buddhist, calming outlook on life throughout the day, if I attempt to do so. But nights are so difficult. It's at night when I feel most alone.

I'll be fine though. Sadness is the feeling that brings us closest to compassion for other human beings, thus I should embrace it as a good thing ... that's what I need to do. I'm not alone. I'm connected to so many. My heart is over-abundant in the amount of love it wants to give ... that's why it's painful.

Might as well...

2009-03-26T01:22:44Z

In case you don't know, I should probably say it now or else it'll be awhile before some people figure it out.

Steffan and I broke up. We've been broken up, but we're keeping the peace and friendship.

Thought I should say something. :hugs for everyone:

A Better Day

2009-03-17T02:19:17Z

I got around to being organized, writing out plans, birthdays, & due dates on my new Yahoo Calendar. It feels so refreshing :-P

Today has been a good day. I'm a lil low on finances, haven't been eating as frequently, & realized upon my organizing of events that I have quite a bit of work ahead of me (school-wise). But, it's okay. The one thing that tends to NOT stress me out all too much is school, oddly. Plus, I got accepted to CSULB ... sweet.

I'm excited for Spring Break (April 13th-17th). I'm visiting my mom near Santa Cruz and staying with her & her beau for a few days. It'll be nice.

I ordered a book via Amazon that I'm looking forward to reading. It's "The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times" by Pema Chodron. The author was referred to me after talking about Thich Nhat Hanh's books, so I'll give her a read & see if the info helps. I've got nothing to lose.

I'm in a very uplifted-sorta mood. ::raises eyebrow:: I'll enjoy it while it lasts.

Those moments.

2009-03-12T23:09:09Z

I wish I didn't exist at times. And I'm having one of those moments right now.

::breathe in:: ::breathe out:: It'll pass shortly.